Aztecs, Mayans, Incas – Oh My!!!

Greetings my fellow historians! History in Action has been out of commission for a little while. Things got real nasty at a little get together at the New York Historical Society. Let’s just say yours truly isn’t going to be getting any Christmas cards from Doris Kearns Goodwin! Now, let’s get onto the pudding that fills your pot, today’s entry!

In grade school, many of us learn the history of the famous Native American tribes: the Aztecs, the Mayans, and the Incas. Reality check, not everything you learn in history class is “on the level.” Grab those dusty history mitts, march out to left field, it’s time to catch some “history flies!”

The Aztecs

• The Aztec empire was located in what is today known as “Mexico.” They were incredibly advanced agriculturally, having developed irrigation methods well before their European counterparts. Though the empire was vast and wealthy, many Aztecs would flee their country for the possibility of employment in the “new world.”
• Ritualistic sacrifice was known to have taken place in the Aztec empire. Some estimates suggest as many as 84,000 were once killed during a four day period. Puts the Iraq war numbers into perspective, huh?
• Games were especially important to the Aztecs. They played a sport akin to the Mesoamerican ballgame named tlachtli or ollamaliztli. It was a furious sport combining the athleticism of basketball, the brutality of football, and the strategy of baseball. However scoring was very low so it was really boring.
• Aztecs used common items like cocoa beans and cotton for currency. When Europeans were handed the cocoa in exchange for goods they ate the cocoa thinking this was the custom. The Aztecs in turn would ingest European coins and paper money. The Europeans would laugh and the Aztecs would stare back embarrassed, sometimes crying out of shame. Eventually the Europeans, led by Hernando Cortés, would slaughter the Aztecs not ravaged by Smallpox.

Mayans

• The Mayans were incredibly advanced scientifically. They developed many concepts before their European counterparts. Such concepts and advancements included absolute zero, telepathy, “to be continued…” episodes, and post-rock, and irrigation.
• Mayan art was especially skillful and renown in foreign lands. Of particular note was the attention made to the depiction of female breasts. Large, drooping bosoms were considered a sign of fertility in Maya. Lopsided, turned out breasts were even more attractive, as well as those bespectacled by acne and hair. Take that, Hefner!
• Like the Aztecs, the Mayans sacrificed humans, including children who they believed to be pure. Too bad they didn’t have Dateline’s “To Catch a Predator” on the case!

Incas

• The Incas dominated a large area of land in what is now modern day Peru. They lacked a written language, but were pioneers in early phonograph recordings, predating Thomas Edison by hundreds of years. Early Inca 45s are prized by music snobs for their raw production value. They can fetch up to twenty bucks on eBay.
• Francisco Pizarro is believed to have conquered the Incas with 180 men, 1 cannon and only 27 horses. He often needed to talk his way out of potential confrontations that could have easily wiped out his party. Try that against a suicide bomber in Iraq!!!
• Unlike the Mayans and Aztecs, the Incas were quite agriculturally advanced, having developed a system of irrigation to rival their European counterparts.

The Aztecs. The Mayans. The Incas.

Important Societies? Maybe. Advanced? Sure. History? Definitely!

Chicago’s Lost Chocolate Bridge

Hi ho, historians!!! Today’s “History in Action” (or HIA for those you in the know) may end up leading to a trip to the dentist, because it sure is sweet! Now you HIA readers living in the “Windy City” are probably quite familiar with the chocolate smell that the Blommer Chocolate Co. factory in the West Loop produces to the delight of many (there has been a legal battle, more on that here). What you may not realize is that Chicago’s love affair with sweets actually produced a chocolate bridge!!! That’s right–a bridge made of chocolate. Grab your history hats and let’s travel back to 1927.

From the Chicago Tribune dated June 15, 1927:

The scene on Deerborn street is one of hysteria as thousands gather for the ribbon cutting of a new bridge that will connect the near north side to downtown. Unlike the growing number bridges criss-crossing the Chicago River, this bridge is unique – it is constructed entirely out of chocolate. Who can Chicago thank for this strange addition to the cityscape? None other than Alphonse Gabriel Capone, better known as Al “Scarface” Capone, hero to many working class residents of Chicago. The bridge is fully funded by Capone, who has gone on record, stating he wanted to, “bestow a gift to the common man.” The bridge is completely functional and edible. Though the project has the approval of the Mayor’s office (though funded by Capone, it is still considered a municipal designate), several officials have condemned the project calling it wasteful, ridiculous, and potentially dangerous. The bridge’s architect, Woodrow Pierce, has defended the bridge against critics. When asked of the inherent problem a bridge that is being eaten presents, Pierce explained that, “gobs of chocolate will be added as chunks are taken out. Mr. Capone wants the best for this bridge as well as the city. That’s what he shall get.” Officially, all persons are limited to one bite so don’t expect to fill up anytime soon…

Though initially a successful attraction, the chocolate bridge fell victim to many unanticipated forces including sugar mavens and ants. It could barely support automobiles and trucks were banned. Ultimately the bridge’s Al Qaeda was mother nature – the bridge melted on June 28, just thirteen days after it was unveiled. The ensuing chocolate flood destroyed several businesses on East Wacker Drive in infamous chocolate flood of 1927.

At a length of 220 feet and a height of 67 feet, the bridge was believed to be the largest chocolate construct ever. That is of course until the unearthing of the Incan Cocoa Spire in Peru, but that’s a story for another day. :-p

The Chocolate Bridge

Practical?  No.  Tasty?  Probably.  History?  Definitely!!!

George Washington – NOT America’s First President

That’s right, despite what you learned in “school,” the “great” George Washington was not the first President of the United States of America. Think about it for a second. Stumped???  I knew you were, Ha Ha!  Records show Washington served from 1789 to 1797. Americans consider the founding of the nation to be 1776.  Given these facts who do you think led the country? It wasn’t a monkey or something (that wouldn’t happen for years).  Well, quick research reveals we had not one, not two, but fourteen men who were President before Washington! Shocking!  I bet you feel like Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men – “You Can’t Handle the Truth!”  True, these men were merely Presidents of the Continental Congress, but like it or not that in effect made them our leaders.  Here are some quick facts about a few of them:

• Peyton Randolph – A popular figure of the time Peyton stood a remarkable seven foot, three inches.  He was the inspiration for the Paul Bunyan stories.
• Thomas Mifflin- One of the more controversial figures of the time, Mifflin hated the state of Delaware. This antipathy culminated in a dramatic day on the Congressional floor – whenever the representative from Delaware began to speak, Mifflin insisted it was “the wind.”
• Elias Boudinot – Hailing from New Jersey, Elias was perhaps the most jovial of the early presidents. On one occasion he goaded Susan B. Anthony to, “show her Cannonballs.” Apparently he threw kick ass parties.
• John Hancock – Achievements: See Declaration of Independence
• Cyrus Griffin – Perhaps the most evil President until Nixon.  Benjamin Franklin eventually revealed him to be Beelzebub in disguise, then defeated Griffen in a “fiddlin’ contest” to oust him from office.

The Pre-Washington Presidents were quite the motley crew. Though history may have forgotten them, the early presidents paved the way for such other unremembered figures as James Oster, the first lead singer of U2; Steve Allen, the first host of “The Tonight Show”; and Frumpy, the first Muppet.

The Pre-Washington Presidents.

Surprising? Sure. Trivial? Maybe. History? Definitely!!!

Sports Friday: Eleanor Roosevelt – NFL Halfback?

Eleanor Roosevelt has been many things: First Lady, author, speaker, UN Human Rights Commission chairperson, and National Football League Player?!!??? It happened. Here’s the story.

Dateline October 1946

The war had ended. America now had time to turn its collective attention to raising families, boosting its economy, and a new popular sport known as “football.” Initially a collegiate activity, football was establishing itself on a professional level in the form of the National Football League or the NFL.  Still dwarfed by the popularity of baseball, football owners (then a group more akin to carnival barkers) attempted marketing schemes to drum up interest.  Such gambits included using midgets as balls, assigning a horse as a place kicker for each team, and the ever popular “fan plays for a day.”  This bit of “P.T. Barnum” thinking combined with Eleanor Roosevelt’s love of pigskin would find the former First Lady in the thick of a real football game. From the Canton Repository dated October 28, 1946:

A crowd of ten thousand stood witness to history today as America’s favorite gal, Eleanor Roosevelt, donned shoulder pads to battle as a grid iron gladiator for the hometown Canton Bulldogs.  Initially laughed at by her own teammates in the huddle, Roosevelt silenced the detractors gaining a respectable five yard on the first play as the Bulldog’s halfback. Teammate William “Link” Lyman called Mrs. Roosevelt, “the guttiest lady he’d ever seen,” adding “I’d gladly fight next to her in any foxhole.”  By the game’s end Roosevelt had netted a respectable eighty yards and two touchdowns exhibiting stunning combination of stiff arms, ballet like spins, and bruising power to thwart the Detroit Lion’s defense.  The only black mark on an otherwise sterling day came in the third quarter.  After Mrs. Roosevelt gained a first down, Jimmy Conzelman of the opposing Lions uttered a comment to Mrs. Roosevelt that apparently referenced the reproductive challenges of her late husband, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt.  This comment will go unprinted in this publication.  The usually peaceful woman responded with a knee to the groin resulting in a fifteen yard unnecessary roughness penalty against the Bulldogs. Despite the setback Canton would go on to defeat Detroit 24 – 17.  Perhaps the highest compliment of all came from Canton star and Olympian Jim Thorpe, “All in all I am against woman in sports, but that right there is a football player through and through. We could really use her the rest of the season, but I understand she has more important affairs to attend to.”  When asked by this reporter if a having a female like Mrs. Roosevelt in the locker room was distracting Thorpe responded, “Not at all.  She’s just like one of the guys.”

Although women and men never again intermixed in football, undoubtedly Eleanor Roosevelt paved the way for future trailblazers like golfer Michelle Wie.  Eleanor Roosevelt’s football career ended the same day it began, but her sports endeavors were far from over as her arm wrestling opponents would soon discover – that however is a story for another day.

Eleanor Roosevelt – Football Player.

Strange?  Maybe.  Weird?  Probably.  History?  Definitely!

Black President? Female President? We’ve Already Had Both

Come the democratic primaries millions will choose between Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama: A white woman versus a black man.  If either is elected president it will be a historic first. Or will it? We’ve actually already had a black, female president. True, it was an accident, but it happened!

Dateline March 1849

A hotly contested presidential election saw war hero Zachary Taylor defeat former president (though not incumbent) Martin Van Buren. Taylor, although opposed to slavery in new territories of California and New Mexico, owned several slaves. Known for treating his slaves as kindly as his own sons, Taylor’s “house slave,” Sue May Allcot accompanied Taylor onto the steps of the US Capitol for the Inauguration. The ceremony was a grand affair, but Taylor’s failing health would lead to Allcot holding the Bible while Taylor took the Oath of Office. As Taylor ended the famous words, so did Allcot – she had been repeating Taylor syllable for syllable, a habit she had at the time. Once the oath was finished a grim faced Chief Justice Roger B. Taney informed Taylor that Allcot was now president.  Esoteric rules of procedure dictated that the first to place their hand upon the Bible and say the oath became president.  This was later changed, but for now Allcott was president! Weird and true!!!

The next fourteen days would prove to be some of the strangest in the history of the country.  Allcot enjoyed the office. She met with foreign leaders, appointed a cabinet that many historians still consider among the finest, and decorated the White House with many of the designs it still features today.  She did not as expected try to free the slaves stating, “This appears for the moment to be a states’ rights issue.” Meanwhile Taylor worked feverishly trying to grab back his post. Finally, after a thirty six hour bargaining session a compromise was reached whereas Taylor assumed the presidency and Allcot was appointed as the first ever Secretary of Health and Human Services.

History. It’s a roller coaster ride!!!

Scopes Monkey Trial – Darrow Puts Talking Monkey on the Stand

Dateline – June 1925

In a sweltering courtroom in Dayton, Tennessee. Clarence Darrow and William Jennings Bryan argue what many would consider the trial of the century – The State of Tennessee v. John Thomas Scopes or as it would later be nicknamed “The Scopes Monkey Trial.” You may recall the event as it was portrayed in the film Inherit the Wind. Here is what you may not know:

Clarence Darrow put a talking monkey on the stand. That’s right. A little monkey was sworn in, sat down, and answered Darrow’s questions for a startling half hour.

From the Dayton Herald News dated June 15, 1925:

The drama of the Scopes matter continued to fascinate and stir the wonder of this small hamlet as a thirty pound African green monkey was called to the stand to answer questions from the defense attorney, the esteemed Clarence Darrow.  A shocked crowd proceeded to hoot and holler until reprimanded by Judge John T. Raulston.  Much to the amazement of all, the monkey spoke fluently and eloquently when questioned by Darrow.  However, the greatest surprise of all came when the prosecution’s William Jennings Bryan rose to question the monkey.  Under the harsh pressure of Bryan’s inquisition, the monkey broke down and admitted his answers were coached by Darrow adding, “I don’t believe I am related to any stinkin’ [sic] humans.”  Judge Raulston dismissed the jury saying he, “needed to make sense of all this hurly burly.” The monkey was later seen at a local tavern.  By most eye wittinesses accounts he was visibly intoxicated.

The monkey, named Jefferson, would become something of a notorious character – setting off the pet monkey craze of 1925. Thousands would experience disappointment with their own pet monkeys lacking Jefferson’s speech abilities.  He would also inspire the Cole Porter hit, “The Chatty Monkey Cho Cho.” His battle with the bottle would eventually lead to his demise, when in 1933 Jefferson’s drinking buddy Babe Ruth accidentally sat on him.