The Early NBA – Not the Game We Love Today

Greetings, “historyaddicts,” your fearless servant here. It sure has been awhile, but research in the Andes does take a up time, just ask the fossils It’s time we hop back on the “historytrain” and play a “pickup game” of History in Action on the “history court” as we take a look at the early National Basketball Association. Today we know basketball as the wonderful game played by dashing hoopsters like Anthony Mason, Larry Johnson, and Detlef Schremp. But, over sixty years ago the game was quite different. Here is how basketball looked in 1934!!!!!

• The net is fairly recent basketball innovation. The early game was literally basketball, with a peach basket standing in place of the net. After every score a man with a ladder would have to take the ball out of basket and play would resume. The shot-clock and backboard would also come later. Games would last many hours and scores would sometimes enter the double digits!
• Early players may not have been able to “dunk” or “hit a shot from more than five feet from the basket,” but they could perform many dazzling moves like “the dribble for ten seconds,” “the bend down without injuring the back,” “the hop,” and the every popular but rarely achieved “bounce pass.”
• The league featured only three teams: The Celtics, at that time actual located in sickeningly ethnic Brooklyn, NY; The Raptors from the Canadian fur trading post known as “Toronto”; And the Barn Stormers from what was once America’s number one vacation spot, Saratoga Spring New York.
• Everyone’s favorite game, Horse, finds its origins in the Ol’ NBA. Hershey, the mascot of a team from Pennsylvania would routinely dazzle the crowd with its ability to actually dribble and toss the ball into the basket. Take that Air Bud!
• Although, African Americans were not officially involved with the professional game until the mid 1950s, minorities of all kinds were instrumental to the game. Many varieties of colored peoples contributed to the NBA by wiping floors, cleaning game worn uniforms, and taking beatings from angry players.
• The early game was far more violent then today’s game, players would punch and kick one another and even attack the fans that shouted things at them. Incidents were so common that chicken wire was setup around the court. Thankfully far more civilized and gentile players and fans exist today.
• The Laker girls may not have been around, but half time entertainment was usually provided by a a gaggle of chubby burlesque dancers that would provide tasteful stripteases between halves of games. Jealous Kobe?

The early NBA. Dangerous? Maybe. Fun? Sure. History? Definitely!

You Don’t Know the Mongol Empire

Greetings Historians!!! Grab your history suitcases because today we are traveling over the Himalayas, past the mighty Amazon (the river not the website, silly!), and through the Gobi Desert to Mongolia as we look back at the mighty Mongol Empire!!! Be sure to pack a fourteen inch assault dagger, Mongols are dangerous, even today!!!

Basic Facts

• The Mongol Empire came into being around 1206 with the unification of several warring tribes. It finally crumbled in 1988 due to the Glasnost policies of Mikhail Gorbachev.
• Genghis Khan, the famed leader of the Mongols, died much earlier than the reported date of 1241. Fearing a panic, Mongol elders propped Khan up as a puppet for years with an elaborate systems of pulleys and fishhooks. The populace remained unaware. Many of his greatest military victories were achieved with someone else “pulling the strings.” This story would later be appropriated for the 1980s film, “Weekend at Bernie’s.”
• The Mongol empire was enormous. At its height it stretched over 12,800,000 square miles. That’s over 500 hundred football fields! Trying catch that pass, Randy Moss!

Military Might

• The Mongols were renowned for their military strength. They employed such tactics as the Rope-A-Dope, the Suicide Squeeze, and the Give and Go.
• Experts believe an average Mongol warrior could easily vanquish one hundred US soldiers (armed with machine guns) using only a stick and some sand pebbles. Talk about “weapons of mass destruction!” Maybe some of them are fighting for the Iraqis!
• Soldiers were known for their extreme discipline. Mongol warriors or Henshia, could literally go weeks without food, drink, or sexual intercourse, though masturbation was frequent and appeared to have been part of certain rituals where one soldier would stand in a circle while others stimulated themselves to he point of completion onto the soldier in the center. This practice was believed to rejuvenate the soldier and bring victory. (Editor’s note. Even if we today find ancient practices to be abhorrent, disgusting, illogical, somewhat homoerotic, or really gross, we must reserve judgment. Who knows if today’s customs will be seen as absurd in the future?! I bet neckties will seem real silly. )

Accomplishments and Legacy

• An incredible system of mail that extended across the empire. Information was delivered at a speed double that of modern broadband networks. Imagine reading “History in Action” back then!
• The famed Silk Road was a popular trade route from Asia to Europe. It is in many ways an equivalent to a modern shopping mall featuring a food court, garment posts, and cheap amusements. Traders would amble around the road even when they weren’t interested in trading, just to look around and socialize – a precursor to “Mall Rat” culture. “Like Totally!”
• Other inventions credited to the Mongols include spaghetti, the concept of “zero,” “the blues,” rack and pinion steering, a progressive tax, and a zero tolerance approach to crime.

Perhaps now you know a little bit more about the Mongol empire. Undoubtedly, the Mongols were the most influential of all the early cultures, except for maybe the Greeks. And the Persians. And maybe the Romans, too. Well, perhaps the Sumerians were as important. Can’t forget the Aztecs now can we? The Japanese probably deserve some credit as well.

The Mongol Empire.

Important? To some extent. Weird? Apparently. History? Oh, Definitely!

Facts About the Freemasons

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrreetings Historians!!! Today we have a very special History in Action entry, for today we look at an organization more powerful than NASCAR, the Freemasons.  Some of the information published here has never seen the light of day, let alone the Internet!  Sit back, relax, and put your history cap on – you’re going to want to remember this one!

Notable Freemasons

• President James A. Garfield
• Supreme Court Justice John Marshall
• LA Law Actor Corbin Bernsen
• Fast Food Mogul Roy Rogers
• Indie Rock Star Ben Gibbard
• Singer Burl Ives
• Statesman Simón Bolívar
• TV’s Ricky Gervais
• Picket Fences Star Fyvush Finkle
• Activist Jesse Jackson
• Virginia Tech Shooter Seung-Hui Cho
• MTV’s Matt Pinfield
• The New York Time’s David Brooks, Paul Krugman, William Saphire, Maureen Dowd, Frank Rich, Frank Bruni, Bob Herbert, and Nicholas D. Kristof

In addition many famous and influential people are counted amongst the ranks of Freemasons.

Freemason Practices

• Masons have special associations with symbols like squares, compasses, and certain emoticons like and ;( and :-] and :-Q and :-O
• Far from being a mere social organization, Masons contribute to many worthwhile charities like golf courses, gin mills, and erotic dance schools.
• During initiation Mason candidates drink wine from skulls, suffer beatings on their buttocks with a paddle, and confess their life secrets while naked.  Masons despise Catholics for their weird cultish behavior.

Masonic Beliefs

• Masonic ideas have influenced the design of cities like Washington D.C.  Increasing traffic congestion is a cherished Masonic principle. 
• Masons believe in a supreme being.  They’re not expressly religious.  They’re spiritual, you know what I mean, like organized religion is just so restrictive.  I mean what are beliefs anyway?
• Masons believe in a highly ordered universe with women and black people at the bottom.

There you have it.  The Masons.

Weird?  Maybe.  Powerful?  For Sure! History? Definitely!

Japan – The World’s First Theme Park

Hello Historians!  Your faithful servant here, digging up the stories from the past and bringing them to life like a zombie priest.  Today comes facts from the Orient – the country is Japan.  The time is 1852, long before Edo was known as its modern day moniker of Tokyo!  Commodore Matthew Perry (not the Studio 60 star!) has been commissioned to sail from Norfolk, Virginia to Japan.   Upon  his arrival Perry meets with representatives of Tokugawa Shogunate.  Perry is fascinated by Japan’s many amusements and writes back to then President Millard Filmore:

Dearest Commander,

Oh what a wondrous land I have come upon it is a place of dazzling wonders that seems well suited to serving as a place of amusement and
thrills.  “Roller coasters” and “bumper cars” are native to this fantastic place, they seemingly rise from the ground, farmed by the local population.  Cotton candy is plentiful and is a component of the natives’ diet.  This country, with its many attractions, could easily compete with New York’s smelly “Coney Island” as a fun family getaway.  I urge you to send more supplies so I may further explore and develop this land.  I hear rumors amongst local bureaucrats that caricature artists are at a surfeit.

Faithfully,

M. Perry 

Japan would become the great destination Perry prophesied for nearly thirty years.  Eventually the natural amusement resources had been over harvested, and Japan was left barren and pretty boring for nearly a century.  Today Japan once again provides entertainment of different kind, but sorry this is a family blog, you naughty historians!

Japan – The World’s First Theme Park

Strange? Maybe.  Fun?  Oh Yeah! History? Definitely!

NYC Subways – Made of Irish Bones???

Greetings fellow historians! I apologize for my absence, a conference in Vienna has stolen me from usual perch, but fear not – History Marches On!!! Today, we look at one of the more heinous secrets of history, the New York City subway tracks.

New York City has always had a rocky relationship with its immigrant groups. Never was this more evident than with the population of New York’s Irish at the end of the 19th century. The Irish were seemingly second class citizens to most New Yorkers, especially Mayor George B. McCellan Jr. A New Yorker from September 1906 regarding the increasing pigeon presence in the city has McCellan at his most hateful declaring, “When comparing the problem of pigeons with that of the filthy Irish, I shall for once look upon feathered friend with good favor. While both are examples of vermin, pigeons have the good sense to fly away when spooked. Further, pigeons have the innate potential to at some point learn direction and serve a useful function in a society carrying missives. I would lastly add that the Irish contribute a greater amount of solid waste to our streets.” These comments, vitriolic as the may be, were merely a precursor to the mayor’s later orders for the new subway system.

In the year of 1906 the construction of the New York subway system was well under way. A line already extended from City Hall to the Bronx. Unfortunately progress soon came to a halt as a tariff would lead to a rising cost in a most necessary component of the rail system – steel. McCellen was furious upon hearing the news from the transportation head on April 7, 1906.  McCellen had been the person to drive the ceremonial first subway ride through New York City. Seeking to clear his thoughts that spring evening, he settled upon an evening stroll towards the downtown area. His walk found him all the way down to New York’s Wall Street where he encountered a sleeping Irish bum (typical for the time). His journal recounts the discovery.

Before me I then spied a most odious site, though sadly a typical one – an Irishman. Overcome with outrage at his lack of work ethic. I set about stomping and kicking the filthy wretch with great might. Delighting in my activity I soon rendered the lout dead. Though pleased with my result, propriety dictated I call a police officer to dispose of the body. Upon his arrival the official laughed at the site before him, for this I could not blame him. A dead Irishman is a punchline that needs no setup! Unfortunately there was lifting for the good officer to do. Upon engaging in his struggle the officer commented, “This worthless animal weighs tons. I would take more pleasured in carrying a sack full of steel beams.” This statement prompted an engine of activity in my mind. The Irish girth surely owed to their less advanced Cro-Magnon bone structure. My return to the my offices brought with it joy as I ran about exclaiming my plan for our beleaguered subway system. Surely Irish bones were as good as steal and cheaper!

Though most bones were salvaged from morgues and cemeteries – men, women, and children of Irish decent could sell their bones for twelve cents a pound before their death. Signs that once read “Irish Need Not Apply” now read “Irish Only Apply.” This grim practice lasted for only a few months as results were poor. Bones made terrible rails, but some are still in use today throughout the Bronx. City records are unclear as to which specific lines the bones service. Just think New York historians, the next time you take the “N Train” to Coney Island you shall be riding on the backs of the O’Hurleys, the MacDougals, and the Mcgees – Literally!!!

Irish Bones as subway rails.

Barbaric? Assuredly. Efficient? Probably not. History? Definitely!

George Washington – NOT America’s First President

That’s right, despite what you learned in “school,” the “great” George Washington was not the first President of the United States of America. Think about it for a second. Stumped???  I knew you were, Ha Ha!  Records show Washington served from 1789 to 1797. Americans consider the founding of the nation to be 1776.  Given these facts who do you think led the country? It wasn’t a monkey or something (that wouldn’t happen for years).  Well, quick research reveals we had not one, not two, but fourteen men who were President before Washington! Shocking!  I bet you feel like Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men – “You Can’t Handle the Truth!”  True, these men were merely Presidents of the Continental Congress, but like it or not that in effect made them our leaders.  Here are some quick facts about a few of them:

• Peyton Randolph – A popular figure of the time Peyton stood a remarkable seven foot, three inches.  He was the inspiration for the Paul Bunyan stories.
• Thomas Mifflin- One of the more controversial figures of the time, Mifflin hated the state of Delaware. This antipathy culminated in a dramatic day on the Congressional floor – whenever the representative from Delaware began to speak, Mifflin insisted it was “the wind.”
• Elias Boudinot – Hailing from New Jersey, Elias was perhaps the most jovial of the early presidents. On one occasion he goaded Susan B. Anthony to, “show her Cannonballs.” Apparently he threw kick ass parties.
• John Hancock – Achievements: See Declaration of Independence
• Cyrus Griffin – Perhaps the most evil President until Nixon.  Benjamin Franklin eventually revealed him to be Beelzebub in disguise, then defeated Griffen in a “fiddlin’ contest” to oust him from office.

The Pre-Washington Presidents were quite the motley crew. Though history may have forgotten them, the early presidents paved the way for such other unremembered figures as James Oster, the first lead singer of U2; Steve Allen, the first host of “The Tonight Show”; and Frumpy, the first Muppet.

The Pre-Washington Presidents.

Surprising? Sure. Trivial? Maybe. History? Definitely!!!

Jesse James – America’s first Surfer!!!

Jesse James wore many hats – outlaw, gunfighter, folklore hero, and surfer?!!? That’s right Jesse James, once America’s most wanted , is believed to be the first ever to “hang-ten.” Although born in Missouri, James bandit exploits would lead him to the west coast in the year of 1875.  Allan Pinkerton, the leader of the famed Pinkerton detective agency, had been hired to detain James and doggedly pursued him to the coast of Santa Barbera.  Pinkerton encountered James in small saloon directly across the Madras beach, then sparsely occupied due to the frigid autumn weather.  James immediately ran.  As he scrambled his gun holster caught on the doorknob.  James incredible speed caused the door to be ripped from its hinges, the door then dragging behind James as he ran for his life.  Outside the saloon James found the area swarming with Pinkerton agents.  Having no where else to escape, James darted for the Pacific Ocean with the door still in tow.  Hitting the water James began to panic.  In an act of sheer desperation, James grabbed the wooden door and placed it on the water. He laid prone on it and began to paddle towards oblivion. Wave after wave crashed down on James. The Pinkertons then watched in amazement as James stood erect on the door and began to ride on the waves, hooting and hollering with drunken delight (Although he never said “Cowabunga.”) Eventually the waves brought him back to shore. The Pinkertons surrounded him. But instead of the click of handcuffs, the only sound heard was applause for the greatness seen by all.  Allan Pinkerton himself shook James hand saying, “Tomorrow you are an outlaw, but today you a free man.” The story made headlines across the nation inspiring children to throw old doors in the ocean in hopes of finding similar thrills.  The door surfing trend would eventually die down. In the 1960s surfing from Hawaii would hit mainstream America, but James’s achievement would still stand as a first. The story of an outlaw surfer would even make the silver screen over a hundred years later, you may know it as “Point Break.”

Jesse James – America’s first extreme sports star.

Strange? Yes. Extreme? “Totally” History? Definitely!

Sports Friday: Eleanor Roosevelt – NFL Halfback?

Eleanor Roosevelt has been many things: First Lady, author, speaker, UN Human Rights Commission chairperson, and National Football League Player?!!??? It happened. Here’s the story.

Dateline October 1946

The war had ended. America now had time to turn its collective attention to raising families, boosting its economy, and a new popular sport known as “football.” Initially a collegiate activity, football was establishing itself on a professional level in the form of the National Football League or the NFL.  Still dwarfed by the popularity of baseball, football owners (then a group more akin to carnival barkers) attempted marketing schemes to drum up interest.  Such gambits included using midgets as balls, assigning a horse as a place kicker for each team, and the ever popular “fan plays for a day.”  This bit of “P.T. Barnum” thinking combined with Eleanor Roosevelt’s love of pigskin would find the former First Lady in the thick of a real football game. From the Canton Repository dated October 28, 1946:

A crowd of ten thousand stood witness to history today as America’s favorite gal, Eleanor Roosevelt, donned shoulder pads to battle as a grid iron gladiator for the hometown Canton Bulldogs.  Initially laughed at by her own teammates in the huddle, Roosevelt silenced the detractors gaining a respectable five yard on the first play as the Bulldog’s halfback. Teammate William “Link” Lyman called Mrs. Roosevelt, “the guttiest lady he’d ever seen,” adding “I’d gladly fight next to her in any foxhole.”  By the game’s end Roosevelt had netted a respectable eighty yards and two touchdowns exhibiting stunning combination of stiff arms, ballet like spins, and bruising power to thwart the Detroit Lion’s defense.  The only black mark on an otherwise sterling day came in the third quarter.  After Mrs. Roosevelt gained a first down, Jimmy Conzelman of the opposing Lions uttered a comment to Mrs. Roosevelt that apparently referenced the reproductive challenges of her late husband, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt.  This comment will go unprinted in this publication.  The usually peaceful woman responded with a knee to the groin resulting in a fifteen yard unnecessary roughness penalty against the Bulldogs. Despite the setback Canton would go on to defeat Detroit 24 – 17.  Perhaps the highest compliment of all came from Canton star and Olympian Jim Thorpe, “All in all I am against woman in sports, but that right there is a football player through and through. We could really use her the rest of the season, but I understand she has more important affairs to attend to.”  When asked by this reporter if a having a female like Mrs. Roosevelt in the locker room was distracting Thorpe responded, “Not at all.  She’s just like one of the guys.”

Although women and men never again intermixed in football, undoubtedly Eleanor Roosevelt paved the way for future trailblazers like golfer Michelle Wie.  Eleanor Roosevelt’s football career ended the same day it began, but her sports endeavors were far from over as her arm wrestling opponents would soon discover – that however is a story for another day.

Eleanor Roosevelt – Football Player.

Strange?  Maybe.  Weird?  Probably.  History?  Definitely!

Black President? Female President? We’ve Already Had Both

Come the democratic primaries millions will choose between Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama: A white woman versus a black man.  If either is elected president it will be a historic first. Or will it? We’ve actually already had a black, female president. True, it was an accident, but it happened!

Dateline March 1849

A hotly contested presidential election saw war hero Zachary Taylor defeat former president (though not incumbent) Martin Van Buren. Taylor, although opposed to slavery in new territories of California and New Mexico, owned several slaves. Known for treating his slaves as kindly as his own sons, Taylor’s “house slave,” Sue May Allcot accompanied Taylor onto the steps of the US Capitol for the Inauguration. The ceremony was a grand affair, but Taylor’s failing health would lead to Allcot holding the Bible while Taylor took the Oath of Office. As Taylor ended the famous words, so did Allcot – she had been repeating Taylor syllable for syllable, a habit she had at the time. Once the oath was finished a grim faced Chief Justice Roger B. Taney informed Taylor that Allcot was now president.  Esoteric rules of procedure dictated that the first to place their hand upon the Bible and say the oath became president.  This was later changed, but for now Allcott was president! Weird and true!!!

The next fourteen days would prove to be some of the strangest in the history of the country.  Allcot enjoyed the office. She met with foreign leaders, appointed a cabinet that many historians still consider among the finest, and decorated the White House with many of the designs it still features today.  She did not as expected try to free the slaves stating, “This appears for the moment to be a states’ rights issue.” Meanwhile Taylor worked feverishly trying to grab back his post. Finally, after a thirty six hour bargaining session a compromise was reached whereas Taylor assumed the presidency and Allcot was appointed as the first ever Secretary of Health and Human Services.

History. It’s a roller coaster ride!!!

Scopes Monkey Trial – Darrow Puts Talking Monkey on the Stand

Dateline – June 1925

In a sweltering courtroom in Dayton, Tennessee. Clarence Darrow and William Jennings Bryan argue what many would consider the trial of the century – The State of Tennessee v. John Thomas Scopes or as it would later be nicknamed “The Scopes Monkey Trial.” You may recall the event as it was portrayed in the film Inherit the Wind. Here is what you may not know:

Clarence Darrow put a talking monkey on the stand. That’s right. A little monkey was sworn in, sat down, and answered Darrow’s questions for a startling half hour.

From the Dayton Herald News dated June 15, 1925:

The drama of the Scopes matter continued to fascinate and stir the wonder of this small hamlet as a thirty pound African green monkey was called to the stand to answer questions from the defense attorney, the esteemed Clarence Darrow.  A shocked crowd proceeded to hoot and holler until reprimanded by Judge John T. Raulston.  Much to the amazement of all, the monkey spoke fluently and eloquently when questioned by Darrow.  However, the greatest surprise of all came when the prosecution’s William Jennings Bryan rose to question the monkey.  Under the harsh pressure of Bryan’s inquisition, the monkey broke down and admitted his answers were coached by Darrow adding, “I don’t believe I am related to any stinkin’ [sic] humans.”  Judge Raulston dismissed the jury saying he, “needed to make sense of all this hurly burly.” The monkey was later seen at a local tavern.  By most eye wittinesses accounts he was visibly intoxicated.

The monkey, named Jefferson, would become something of a notorious character – setting off the pet monkey craze of 1925. Thousands would experience disappointment with their own pet monkeys lacking Jefferson’s speech abilities.  He would also inspire the Cole Porter hit, “The Chatty Monkey Cho Cho.” His battle with the bottle would eventually lead to his demise, when in 1933 Jefferson’s drinking buddy Babe Ruth accidentally sat on him.