The Early NBA – Not the Game We Love Today

Greetings, “historyaddicts,” your fearless servant here. It sure has been awhile, but research in the Andes does take a up time, just ask the fossils It’s time we hop back on the “historytrain” and play a “pickup game” of History in Action on the “history court” as we take a look at the early National Basketball Association. Today we know basketball as the wonderful game played by dashing hoopsters like Anthony Mason, Larry Johnson, and Detlef Schremp. But, over sixty years ago the game was quite different. Here is how basketball looked in 1934!!!!!

• The net is fairly recent basketball innovation. The early game was literally basketball, with a peach basket standing in place of the net. After every score a man with a ladder would have to take the ball out of basket and play would resume. The shot-clock and backboard would also come later. Games would last many hours and scores would sometimes enter the double digits!
• Early players may not have been able to “dunk” or “hit a shot from more than five feet from the basket,” but they could perform many dazzling moves like “the dribble for ten seconds,” “the bend down without injuring the back,” “the hop,” and the every popular but rarely achieved “bounce pass.”
• The league featured only three teams: The Celtics, at that time actual located in sickeningly ethnic Brooklyn, NY; The Raptors from the Canadian fur trading post known as “Toronto”; And the Barn Stormers from what was once America’s number one vacation spot, Saratoga Spring New York.
• Everyone’s favorite game, Horse, finds its origins in the Ol’ NBA. Hershey, the mascot of a team from Pennsylvania would routinely dazzle the crowd with its ability to actually dribble and toss the ball into the basket. Take that Air Bud!
• Although, African Americans were not officially involved with the professional game until the mid 1950s, minorities of all kinds were instrumental to the game. Many varieties of colored peoples contributed to the NBA by wiping floors, cleaning game worn uniforms, and taking beatings from angry players.
• The early game was far more violent then today’s game, players would punch and kick one another and even attack the fans that shouted things at them. Incidents were so common that chicken wire was setup around the court. Thankfully far more civilized and gentile players and fans exist today.
• The Laker girls may not have been around, but half time entertainment was usually provided by a a gaggle of chubby burlesque dancers that would provide tasteful stripteases between halves of games. Jealous Kobe?

The early NBA. Dangerous? Maybe. Fun? Sure. History? Definitely!

You Don’t Know the Mongol Empire

Greetings Historians!!! Grab your history suitcases because today we are traveling over the Himalayas, past the mighty Amazon (the river not the website, silly!), and through the Gobi Desert to Mongolia as we look back at the mighty Mongol Empire!!! Be sure to pack a fourteen inch assault dagger, Mongols are dangerous, even today!!!

Basic Facts

• The Mongol Empire came into being around 1206 with the unification of several warring tribes. It finally crumbled in 1988 due to the Glasnost policies of Mikhail Gorbachev.
• Genghis Khan, the famed leader of the Mongols, died much earlier than the reported date of 1241. Fearing a panic, Mongol elders propped Khan up as a puppet for years with an elaborate systems of pulleys and fishhooks. The populace remained unaware. Many of his greatest military victories were achieved with someone else “pulling the strings.” This story would later be appropriated for the 1980s film, “Weekend at Bernie’s.”
• The Mongol empire was enormous. At its height it stretched over 12,800,000 square miles. That’s over 500 hundred football fields! Trying catch that pass, Randy Moss!

Military Might

• The Mongols were renowned for their military strength. They employed such tactics as the Rope-A-Dope, the Suicide Squeeze, and the Give and Go.
• Experts believe an average Mongol warrior could easily vanquish one hundred US soldiers (armed with machine guns) using only a stick and some sand pebbles. Talk about “weapons of mass destruction!” Maybe some of them are fighting for the Iraqis!
• Soldiers were known for their extreme discipline. Mongol warriors or Henshia, could literally go weeks without food, drink, or sexual intercourse, though masturbation was frequent and appeared to have been part of certain rituals where one soldier would stand in a circle while others stimulated themselves to he point of completion onto the soldier in the center. This practice was believed to rejuvenate the soldier and bring victory. (Editor’s note. Even if we today find ancient practices to be abhorrent, disgusting, illogical, somewhat homoerotic, or really gross, we must reserve judgment. Who knows if today’s customs will be seen as absurd in the future?! I bet neckties will seem real silly. )

Accomplishments and Legacy

• An incredible system of mail that extended across the empire. Information was delivered at a speed double that of modern broadband networks. Imagine reading “History in Action” back then!
• The famed Silk Road was a popular trade route from Asia to Europe. It is in many ways an equivalent to a modern shopping mall featuring a food court, garment posts, and cheap amusements. Traders would amble around the road even when they weren’t interested in trading, just to look around and socialize – a precursor to “Mall Rat” culture. “Like Totally!”
• Other inventions credited to the Mongols include spaghetti, the concept of “zero,” “the blues,” rack and pinion steering, a progressive tax, and a zero tolerance approach to crime.

Perhaps now you know a little bit more about the Mongol empire. Undoubtedly, the Mongols were the most influential of all the early cultures, except for maybe the Greeks. And the Persians. And maybe the Romans, too. Well, perhaps the Sumerians were as important. Can’t forget the Aztecs now can we? The Japanese probably deserve some credit as well.

The Mongol Empire.

Important? To some extent. Weird? Apparently. History? Oh, Definitely!

Did You Know….?!?!

Greetings Historians! Things have been pretty busy here at History In Action (or HIA for those of you in the know!). We’re hard at work on mining the iron-ore of history, but that doesn’t mean your visit here leaves you empty handed – we’ve got a bowl full of quick facts of the “Did You Know” variety (no, this isn’t sports-center!). Put on those history caps, the train is leaving!

Did you Know?!!?

• …that General Douglas MacArthur was obsessed with midgets? In fact he staged a mock battle of the invasion of the Philippines with over four hundred little people. What a guy!
• …that Ullysus S. Grant ate only pickles for an entire year straight? Talk about “Fear Factor!”
• …that the inventor of the phone Alexander Graham Bell was mute and never even used one of his own phones?!! File that under ironic ,Miss Morissette.
• …that the Parthenon is nearly a half mile long, the size of over ten football fields!? I bet the tour guides get a good workout!
• …that as recent as 1934, a fencing test was required for US citizenship! A palpable hit!

Hopefully these tapas (tapas are Spanish appetizers…so tasty!) whet your appetite for some HIA entrees! Remember, tip your historian. Tee-hee!

Facts About the Freemasons

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrreetings Historians!!! Today we have a very special History in Action entry, for today we look at an organization more powerful than NASCAR, the Freemasons.  Some of the information published here has never seen the light of day, let alone the Internet!  Sit back, relax, and put your history cap on – you’re going to want to remember this one!

Notable Freemasons

• President James A. Garfield
• Supreme Court Justice John Marshall
• LA Law Actor Corbin Bernsen
• Fast Food Mogul Roy Rogers
• Indie Rock Star Ben Gibbard
• Singer Burl Ives
• Statesman Simón Bolívar
• TV’s Ricky Gervais
• Picket Fences Star Fyvush Finkle
• Activist Jesse Jackson
• Virginia Tech Shooter Seung-Hui Cho
• MTV’s Matt Pinfield
• The New York Time’s David Brooks, Paul Krugman, William Saphire, Maureen Dowd, Frank Rich, Frank Bruni, Bob Herbert, and Nicholas D. Kristof

In addition many famous and influential people are counted amongst the ranks of Freemasons.

Freemason Practices

• Masons have special associations with symbols like squares, compasses, and certain emoticons like and ;( and :-] and :-Q and :-O
• Far from being a mere social organization, Masons contribute to many worthwhile charities like golf courses, gin mills, and erotic dance schools.
• During initiation Mason candidates drink wine from skulls, suffer beatings on their buttocks with a paddle, and confess their life secrets while naked.  Masons despise Catholics for their weird cultish behavior.

Masonic Beliefs

• Masonic ideas have influenced the design of cities like Washington D.C.  Increasing traffic congestion is a cherished Masonic principle. 
• Masons believe in a supreme being.  They’re not expressly religious.  They’re spiritual, you know what I mean, like organized religion is just so restrictive.  I mean what are beliefs anyway?
• Masons believe in a highly ordered universe with women and black people at the bottom.

There you have it.  The Masons.

Weird?  Maybe.  Powerful?  For Sure! History? Definitely!

Black President? Female President? We’ve Already Had Both

Come the democratic primaries millions will choose between Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama: A white woman versus a black man.  If either is elected president it will be a historic first. Or will it? We’ve actually already had a black, female president. True, it was an accident, but it happened!

Dateline March 1849

A hotly contested presidential election saw war hero Zachary Taylor defeat former president (though not incumbent) Martin Van Buren. Taylor, although opposed to slavery in new territories of California and New Mexico, owned several slaves. Known for treating his slaves as kindly as his own sons, Taylor’s “house slave,” Sue May Allcot accompanied Taylor onto the steps of the US Capitol for the Inauguration. The ceremony was a grand affair, but Taylor’s failing health would lead to Allcot holding the Bible while Taylor took the Oath of Office. As Taylor ended the famous words, so did Allcot – she had been repeating Taylor syllable for syllable, a habit she had at the time. Once the oath was finished a grim faced Chief Justice Roger B. Taney informed Taylor that Allcot was now president.  Esoteric rules of procedure dictated that the first to place their hand upon the Bible and say the oath became president.  This was later changed, but for now Allcott was president! Weird and true!!!

The next fourteen days would prove to be some of the strangest in the history of the country.  Allcot enjoyed the office. She met with foreign leaders, appointed a cabinet that many historians still consider among the finest, and decorated the White House with many of the designs it still features today.  She did not as expected try to free the slaves stating, “This appears for the moment to be a states’ rights issue.” Meanwhile Taylor worked feverishly trying to grab back his post. Finally, after a thirty six hour bargaining session a compromise was reached whereas Taylor assumed the presidency and Allcot was appointed as the first ever Secretary of Health and Human Services.

History. It’s a roller coaster ride!!!

Scopes Monkey Trial – Darrow Puts Talking Monkey on the Stand

Dateline – June 1925

In a sweltering courtroom in Dayton, Tennessee. Clarence Darrow and William Jennings Bryan argue what many would consider the trial of the century – The State of Tennessee v. John Thomas Scopes or as it would later be nicknamed “The Scopes Monkey Trial.” You may recall the event as it was portrayed in the film Inherit the Wind. Here is what you may not know:

Clarence Darrow put a talking monkey on the stand. That’s right. A little monkey was sworn in, sat down, and answered Darrow’s questions for a startling half hour.

From the Dayton Herald News dated June 15, 1925:

The drama of the Scopes matter continued to fascinate and stir the wonder of this small hamlet as a thirty pound African green monkey was called to the stand to answer questions from the defense attorney, the esteemed Clarence Darrow.  A shocked crowd proceeded to hoot and holler until reprimanded by Judge John T. Raulston.  Much to the amazement of all, the monkey spoke fluently and eloquently when questioned by Darrow.  However, the greatest surprise of all came when the prosecution’s William Jennings Bryan rose to question the monkey.  Under the harsh pressure of Bryan’s inquisition, the monkey broke down and admitted his answers were coached by Darrow adding, “I don’t believe I am related to any stinkin’ [sic] humans.”  Judge Raulston dismissed the jury saying he, “needed to make sense of all this hurly burly.” The monkey was later seen at a local tavern.  By most eye wittinesses accounts he was visibly intoxicated.

The monkey, named Jefferson, would become something of a notorious character – setting off the pet monkey craze of 1925. Thousands would experience disappointment with their own pet monkeys lacking Jefferson’s speech abilities.  He would also inspire the Cole Porter hit, “The Chatty Monkey Cho Cho.” His battle with the bottle would eventually lead to his demise, when in 1933 Jefferson’s drinking buddy Babe Ruth accidentally sat on him.