You Don’t Know the Mongol Empire

Greetings Historians!!! Grab your history suitcases because today we are traveling over the Himalayas, past the mighty Amazon (the river not the website, silly!), and through the Gobi Desert to Mongolia as we look back at the mighty Mongol Empire!!! Be sure to pack a fourteen inch assault dagger, Mongols are dangerous, even today!!!

Basic Facts

• The Mongol Empire came into being around 1206 with the unification of several warring tribes. It finally crumbled in 1988 due to the Glasnost policies of Mikhail Gorbachev.
• Genghis Khan, the famed leader of the Mongols, died much earlier than the reported date of 1241. Fearing a panic, Mongol elders propped Khan up as a puppet for years with an elaborate systems of pulleys and fishhooks. The populace remained unaware. Many of his greatest military victories were achieved with someone else “pulling the strings.” This story would later be appropriated for the 1980s film, “Weekend at Bernie’s.”
• The Mongol empire was enormous. At its height it stretched over 12,800,000 square miles. That’s over 500 hundred football fields! Trying catch that pass, Randy Moss!

Military Might

• The Mongols were renowned for their military strength. They employed such tactics as the Rope-A-Dope, the Suicide Squeeze, and the Give and Go.
• Experts believe an average Mongol warrior could easily vanquish one hundred US soldiers (armed with machine guns) using only a stick and some sand pebbles. Talk about “weapons of mass destruction!” Maybe some of them are fighting for the Iraqis!
• Soldiers were known for their extreme discipline. Mongol warriors or Henshia, could literally go weeks without food, drink, or sexual intercourse, though masturbation was frequent and appeared to have been part of certain rituals where one soldier would stand in a circle while others stimulated themselves to he point of completion onto the soldier in the center. This practice was believed to rejuvenate the soldier and bring victory. (Editor’s note. Even if we today find ancient practices to be abhorrent, disgusting, illogical, somewhat homoerotic, or really gross, we must reserve judgment. Who knows if today’s customs will be seen as absurd in the future?! I bet neckties will seem real silly. )

Accomplishments and Legacy

• An incredible system of mail that extended across the empire. Information was delivered at a speed double that of modern broadband networks. Imagine reading “History in Action” back then!
• The famed Silk Road was a popular trade route from Asia to Europe. It is in many ways an equivalent to a modern shopping mall featuring a food court, garment posts, and cheap amusements. Traders would amble around the road even when they weren’t interested in trading, just to look around and socialize – a precursor to “Mall Rat” culture. “Like Totally!”
• Other inventions credited to the Mongols include spaghetti, the concept of “zero,” “the blues,” rack and pinion steering, a progressive tax, and a zero tolerance approach to crime.

Perhaps now you know a little bit more about the Mongol empire. Undoubtedly, the Mongols were the most influential of all the early cultures, except for maybe the Greeks. And the Persians. And maybe the Romans, too. Well, perhaps the Sumerians were as important. Can’t forget the Aztecs now can we? The Japanese probably deserve some credit as well.

The Mongol Empire.

Important? To some extent. Weird? Apparently. History? Oh, Definitely!

Japan – The World’s First Theme Park

Hello Historians!  Your faithful servant here, digging up the stories from the past and bringing them to life like a zombie priest.  Today comes facts from the Orient – the country is Japan.  The time is 1852, long before Edo was known as its modern day moniker of Tokyo!  Commodore Matthew Perry (not the Studio 60 star!) has been commissioned to sail from Norfolk, Virginia to Japan.   Upon  his arrival Perry meets with representatives of Tokugawa Shogunate.  Perry is fascinated by Japan’s many amusements and writes back to then President Millard Filmore:

Dearest Commander,

Oh what a wondrous land I have come upon it is a place of dazzling wonders that seems well suited to serving as a place of amusement and
thrills.  “Roller coasters” and “bumper cars” are native to this fantastic place, they seemingly rise from the ground, farmed by the local population.  Cotton candy is plentiful and is a component of the natives’ diet.  This country, with its many attractions, could easily compete with New York’s smelly “Coney Island” as a fun family getaway.  I urge you to send more supplies so I may further explore and develop this land.  I hear rumors amongst local bureaucrats that caricature artists are at a surfeit.

Faithfully,

M. Perry 

Japan would become the great destination Perry prophesied for nearly thirty years.  Eventually the natural amusement resources had been over harvested, and Japan was left barren and pretty boring for nearly a century.  Today Japan once again provides entertainment of different kind, but sorry this is a family blog, you naughty historians!

Japan – The World’s First Theme Park

Strange? Maybe.  Fun?  Oh Yeah! History? Definitely!