The Games We Love: The History of Poker

Greetings Historians! Gather up those chips, pour a few fingers of bourbon, and don a green eyeshade, because today we’re sidling up to the big-boy table for a little game of poker, history style. We’re playing five-card stud, and the ante is knowledge and wisdom is wild. Let’s play cards!

• The Poker players of yesteryear were colorful characters with variety of nicknames like Jerry “Slim” Watkins, Ricky “Fatso” Dunlap, Mitch “Big Head” Morton, Donny “One Eye” Nelson, Mary “Bearded” Rogers Jeff “Flappy Dick” Johnson.  Many players were former freak show oddities.
• Unlike the civilized games we play in casinos today, poker games of yesteryear often ended in violence and sometimesgun fights.  Thankfully, gun ownershipwas actually quiete rare due to the steel shortage of 1901.  Unable to procure actual weapons, bellicose players would mime a gun shape with their thumb and index finger and make bullet noises with their mouths.  Yeah, it was as silly as it sounds.
• Today poker is dominated by math whizzes and former computer programmers who are able to calculate complicated “pot odds” to help them judge how much to wager.  To give you an idea of just how far we’ve come, the second ever winner of the World Series of Poker was a confirmed illiterate with nothing more than a first-grade education. The previous year’s winner: a monkey.
• Poker’s basic rules are simple enough to fit on a card typically included with a standard deck.  Yet for some reason, when you have a game and your friend’s girlfriend Kristen decides she wants to play and ruin everyone’s fun, it takes her about a half hour to figure out the goddamn difference between a straight and a flush.  Honestly, why does he even fucking date her anyway?  She’s not even that hot and she’s really into Kathy Griffen!  My mom likes Kathy Griffen.  Does he want to date my mom?
• Many poker fans choose to play online poker, it’s agreat way to gain experience, hone skills, and possibly pay the rent.  Hundreds of players have quit soul-crushing jobs sitting in cramped offices where they sit in front of a computers from nine-to-five everyday in exchange for the thrilling adventure of online poker where they sit in front of a computer for eight hour blocks clicking stuff.  Online poker is also a great way to stave off losing ones virginity for another year.  What do flesh women smell like?
• Sponsorships help players defray the cost of entering high stakes tournaments.  In exchange for lucrative deals, marquee playerswear garish badges and obnoxious hats that make them look like bigger tool bags than they already are, which is no small feat.
• While “Texas Hold ‘Em” poker is probably the most popular varient of poker, others, like “Omaha” and “Cincinnati” are offered in casinos.  If you can think of a shitty place to live, there’s probably a poker varient named after it.

Well, that’s just a quick peak at the shadowy and lame world of poker.

Poker:  Fun?  Ehh, sorta, depends who you’re playing with. Profitable?  Depends? History? Definitely!