Aztecs, Mayans, Incas – Oh My!!!

Greetings my fellow historians! History in Action has been out of commission for a little while. Things got real nasty at a little get together at the New York Historical Society. Let’s just say yours truly isn’t going to be getting any Christmas cards from Doris Kearns Goodwin! Now, let’s get onto the pudding that fills your pot, today’s entry!

In grade school, many of us learn the history of the famous Native American tribes: the Aztecs, the Mayans, and the Incas. Reality check, not everything you learn in history class is “on the level.” Grab those dusty history mitts, march out to left field, it’s time to catch some “history flies!”

The Aztecs

• The Aztec empire was located in what is today known as “Mexico.” They were incredibly advanced agriculturally, having developed irrigation methods well before their European counterparts. Though the empire was vast and wealthy, many Aztecs would flee their country for the possibility of employment in the “new world.”
• Ritualistic sacrifice was known to have taken place in the Aztec empire. Some estimates suggest as many as 84,000 were once killed during a four day period. Puts the Iraq war numbers into perspective, huh?
• Games were especially important to the Aztecs. They played a sport akin to the Mesoamerican ballgame named tlachtli or ollamaliztli. It was a furious sport combining the athleticism of basketball, the brutality of football, and the strategy of baseball. However scoring was very low so it was really boring.
• Aztecs used common items like cocoa beans and cotton for currency. When Europeans were handed the cocoa in exchange for goods they ate the cocoa thinking this was the custom. The Aztecs in turn would ingest European coins and paper money. The Europeans would laugh and the Aztecs would stare back embarrassed, sometimes crying out of shame. Eventually the Europeans, led by Hernando Cortés, would slaughter the Aztecs not ravaged by Smallpox.

Mayans

• The Mayans were incredibly advanced scientifically. They developed many concepts before their European counterparts. Such concepts and advancements included absolute zero, telepathy, “to be continued…” episodes, and post-rock, and irrigation.
• Mayan art was especially skillful and renown in foreign lands. Of particular note was the attention made to the depiction of female breasts. Large, drooping bosoms were considered a sign of fertility in Maya. Lopsided, turned out breasts were even more attractive, as well as those bespectacled by acne and hair. Take that, Hefner!
• Like the Aztecs, the Mayans sacrificed humans, including children who they believed to be pure. Too bad they didn’t have Dateline’s “To Catch a Predator” on the case!

Incas

• The Incas dominated a large area of land in what is now modern day Peru. They lacked a written language, but were pioneers in early phonograph recordings, predating Thomas Edison by hundreds of years. Early Inca 45s are prized by music snobs for their raw production value. They can fetch up to twenty bucks on eBay.
• Francisco Pizarro is believed to have conquered the Incas with 180 men, 1 cannon and only 27 horses. He often needed to talk his way out of potential confrontations that could have easily wiped out his party. Try that against a suicide bomber in Iraq!!!
• Unlike the Mayans and Aztecs, the Incas were quite agriculturally advanced, having developed a system of irrigation to rival their European counterparts.

The Aztecs. The Mayans. The Incas.

Important Societies? Maybe. Advanced? Sure. History? Definitely!

Chicago’s Lost Chocolate Bridge

Hi ho, historians!!! Today’s “History in Action” (or HIA for those you in the know) may end up leading to a trip to the dentist, because it sure is sweet! Now you HIA readers living in the “Windy City” are probably quite familiar with the chocolate smell that the Blommer Chocolate Co. factory in the West Loop produces to the delight of many (there has been a legal battle, more on that here). What you may not realize is that Chicago’s love affair with sweets actually produced a chocolate bridge!!! That’s right–a bridge made of chocolate. Grab your history hats and let’s travel back to 1927.

From the Chicago Tribune dated June 15, 1927:

The scene on Deerborn street is one of hysteria as thousands gather for the ribbon cutting of a new bridge that will connect the near north side to downtown. Unlike the growing number bridges criss-crossing the Chicago River, this bridge is unique – it is constructed entirely out of chocolate. Who can Chicago thank for this strange addition to the cityscape? None other than Alphonse Gabriel Capone, better known as Al “Scarface” Capone, hero to many working class residents of Chicago. The bridge is fully funded by Capone, who has gone on record, stating he wanted to, “bestow a gift to the common man.” The bridge is completely functional and edible. Though the project has the approval of the Mayor’s office (though funded by Capone, it is still considered a municipal designate), several officials have condemned the project calling it wasteful, ridiculous, and potentially dangerous. The bridge’s architect, Woodrow Pierce, has defended the bridge against critics. When asked of the inherent problem a bridge that is being eaten presents, Pierce explained that, “gobs of chocolate will be added as chunks are taken out. Mr. Capone wants the best for this bridge as well as the city. That’s what he shall get.” Officially, all persons are limited to one bite so don’t expect to fill up anytime soon…

Though initially a successful attraction, the chocolate bridge fell victim to many unanticipated forces including sugar mavens and ants. It could barely support automobiles and trucks were banned. Ultimately the bridge’s Al Qaeda was mother nature – the bridge melted on June 28, just thirteen days after it was unveiled. The ensuing chocolate flood destroyed several businesses on East Wacker Drive in infamous chocolate flood of 1927.

At a length of 220 feet and a height of 67 feet, the bridge was believed to be the largest chocolate construct ever. That is of course until the unearthing of the Incan Cocoa Spire in Peru, but that’s a story for another day. :-p

The Chocolate Bridge

Practical?  No.  Tasty?  Probably.  History?  Definitely!!!

You Don’t Know the Mongol Empire

Greetings Historians!!! Grab your history suitcases because today we are traveling over the Himalayas, past the mighty Amazon (the river not the website, silly!), and through the Gobi Desert to Mongolia as we look back at the mighty Mongol Empire!!! Be sure to pack a fourteen inch assault dagger, Mongols are dangerous, even today!!!

Basic Facts

• The Mongol Empire came into being around 1206 with the unification of several warring tribes. It finally crumbled in 1988 due to the Glasnost policies of Mikhail Gorbachev.
• Genghis Khan, the famed leader of the Mongols, died much earlier than the reported date of 1241. Fearing a panic, Mongol elders propped Khan up as a puppet for years with an elaborate systems of pulleys and fishhooks. The populace remained unaware. Many of his greatest military victories were achieved with someone else “pulling the strings.” This story would later be appropriated for the 1980s film, “Weekend at Bernie’s.”
• The Mongol empire was enormous. At its height it stretched over 12,800,000 square miles. That’s over 500 hundred football fields! Trying catch that pass, Randy Moss!

Military Might

• The Mongols were renowned for their military strength. They employed such tactics as the Rope-A-Dope, the Suicide Squeeze, and the Give and Go.
• Experts believe an average Mongol warrior could easily vanquish one hundred US soldiers (armed with machine guns) using only a stick and some sand pebbles. Talk about “weapons of mass destruction!” Maybe some of them are fighting for the Iraqis!
• Soldiers were known for their extreme discipline. Mongol warriors or Henshia, could literally go weeks without food, drink, or sexual intercourse, though masturbation was frequent and appeared to have been part of certain rituals where one soldier would stand in a circle while others stimulated themselves to he point of completion onto the soldier in the center. This practice was believed to rejuvenate the soldier and bring victory. (Editor’s note. Even if we today find ancient practices to be abhorrent, disgusting, illogical, somewhat homoerotic, or really gross, we must reserve judgment. Who knows if today’s customs will be seen as absurd in the future?! I bet neckties will seem real silly. )

Accomplishments and Legacy

• An incredible system of mail that extended across the empire. Information was delivered at a speed double that of modern broadband networks. Imagine reading “History in Action” back then!
• The famed Silk Road was a popular trade route from Asia to Europe. It is in many ways an equivalent to a modern shopping mall featuring a food court, garment posts, and cheap amusements. Traders would amble around the road even when they weren’t interested in trading, just to look around and socialize – a precursor to “Mall Rat” culture. “Like Totally!”
• Other inventions credited to the Mongols include spaghetti, the concept of “zero,” “the blues,” rack and pinion steering, a progressive tax, and a zero tolerance approach to crime.

Perhaps now you know a little bit more about the Mongol empire. Undoubtedly, the Mongols were the most influential of all the early cultures, except for maybe the Greeks. And the Persians. And maybe the Romans, too. Well, perhaps the Sumerians were as important. Can’t forget the Aztecs now can we? The Japanese probably deserve some credit as well.

The Mongol Empire.

Important? To some extent. Weird? Apparently. History? Oh, Definitely!

Did You Know….?!?!

Greetings Historians! Things have been pretty busy here at History In Action (or HIA for those of you in the know!). We’re hard at work on mining the iron-ore of history, but that doesn’t mean your visit here leaves you empty handed – we’ve got a bowl full of quick facts of the “Did You Know” variety (no, this isn’t sports-center!). Put on those history caps, the train is leaving!

Did you Know?!!?

• …that General Douglas MacArthur was obsessed with midgets? In fact he staged a mock battle of the invasion of the Philippines with over four hundred little people. What a guy!
• …that Ullysus S. Grant ate only pickles for an entire year straight? Talk about “Fear Factor!”
• …that the inventor of the phone Alexander Graham Bell was mute and never even used one of his own phones?!! File that under ironic ,Miss Morissette.
• …that the Parthenon is nearly a half mile long, the size of over ten football fields!? I bet the tour guides get a good workout!
• …that as recent as 1934, a fencing test was required for US citizenship! A palpable hit!

Hopefully these tapas (tapas are Spanish appetizers…so tasty!) whet your appetite for some HIA entrees! Remember, tip your historian. Tee-hee!