Facts About the Freemasons

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrreetings Historians!!! Today we have a very special History in Action entry, for today we look at an organization more powerful than NASCAR, the Freemasons.  Some of the information published here has never seen the light of day, let alone the Internet!  Sit back, relax, and put your history cap on – you’re going to want to remember this one!

Notable Freemasons

• President James A. Garfield
• Supreme Court Justice John Marshall
• LA Law Actor Corbin Bernsen
• Fast Food Mogul Roy Rogers
• Indie Rock Star Ben Gibbard
• Singer Burl Ives
• Statesman Simón Bolívar
• TV’s Ricky Gervais
• Picket Fences Star Fyvush Finkle
• Activist Jesse Jackson
• Virginia Tech Shooter Seung-Hui Cho
• MTV’s Matt Pinfield
• The New York Time’s David Brooks, Paul Krugman, William Saphire, Maureen Dowd, Frank Rich, Frank Bruni, Bob Herbert, and Nicholas D. Kristof

In addition many famous and influential people are counted amongst the ranks of Freemasons.

Freemason Practices

• Masons have special associations with symbols like squares, compasses, and certain emoticons like and ;( and :-] and :-Q and :-O
• Far from being a mere social organization, Masons contribute to many worthwhile charities like golf courses, gin mills, and erotic dance schools.
• During initiation Mason candidates drink wine from skulls, suffer beatings on their buttocks with a paddle, and confess their life secrets while naked.  Masons despise Catholics for their weird cultish behavior.

Masonic Beliefs

• Masonic ideas have influenced the design of cities like Washington D.C.  Increasing traffic congestion is a cherished Masonic principle. 
• Masons believe in a supreme being.  They’re not expressly religious.  They’re spiritual, you know what I mean, like organized religion is just so restrictive.  I mean what are beliefs anyway?
• Masons believe in a highly ordered universe with women and black people at the bottom.

There you have it.  The Masons.

Weird?  Maybe.  Powerful?  For Sure! History? Definitely!

Japan – The World’s First Theme Park

Hello Historians!  Your faithful servant here, digging up the stories from the past and bringing them to life like a zombie priest.  Today comes facts from the Orient – the country is Japan.  The time is 1852, long before Edo was known as its modern day moniker of Tokyo!  Commodore Matthew Perry (not the Studio 60 star!) has been commissioned to sail from Norfolk, Virginia to Japan.   Upon  his arrival Perry meets with representatives of Tokugawa Shogunate.  Perry is fascinated by Japan’s many amusements and writes back to then President Millard Filmore:

Dearest Commander,

Oh what a wondrous land I have come upon it is a place of dazzling wonders that seems well suited to serving as a place of amusement and
thrills.  “Roller coasters” and “bumper cars” are native to this fantastic place, they seemingly rise from the ground, farmed by the local population.  Cotton candy is plentiful and is a component of the natives’ diet.  This country, with its many attractions, could easily compete with New York’s smelly “Coney Island” as a fun family getaway.  I urge you to send more supplies so I may further explore and develop this land.  I hear rumors amongst local bureaucrats that caricature artists are at a surfeit.

Faithfully,

M. Perry 

Japan would become the great destination Perry prophesied for nearly thirty years.  Eventually the natural amusement resources had been over harvested, and Japan was left barren and pretty boring for nearly a century.  Today Japan once again provides entertainment of different kind, but sorry this is a family blog, you naughty historians!

Japan – The World’s First Theme Park

Strange? Maybe.  Fun?  Oh Yeah! History? Definitely!

NYC Subways – Made of Irish Bones???

Greetings fellow historians! I apologize for my absence, a conference in Vienna has stolen me from usual perch, but fear not – History Marches On!!! Today, we look at one of the more heinous secrets of history, the New York City subway tracks.

New York City has always had a rocky relationship with its immigrant groups. Never was this more evident than with the population of New York’s Irish at the end of the 19th century. The Irish were seemingly second class citizens to most New Yorkers, especially Mayor George B. McCellan Jr. A New Yorker from September 1906 regarding the increasing pigeon presence in the city has McCellan at his most hateful declaring, “When comparing the problem of pigeons with that of the filthy Irish, I shall for once look upon feathered friend with good favor. While both are examples of vermin, pigeons have the good sense to fly away when spooked. Further, pigeons have the innate potential to at some point learn direction and serve a useful function in a society carrying missives. I would lastly add that the Irish contribute a greater amount of solid waste to our streets.” These comments, vitriolic as the may be, were merely a precursor to the mayor’s later orders for the new subway system.

In the year of 1906 the construction of the New York subway system was well under way. A line already extended from City Hall to the Bronx. Unfortunately progress soon came to a halt as a tariff would lead to a rising cost in a most necessary component of the rail system – steel. McCellen was furious upon hearing the news from the transportation head on April 7, 1906.  McCellen had been the person to drive the ceremonial first subway ride through New York City. Seeking to clear his thoughts that spring evening, he settled upon an evening stroll towards the downtown area. His walk found him all the way down to New York’s Wall Street where he encountered a sleeping Irish bum (typical for the time). His journal recounts the discovery.

Before me I then spied a most odious site, though sadly a typical one – an Irishman. Overcome with outrage at his lack of work ethic. I set about stomping and kicking the filthy wretch with great might. Delighting in my activity I soon rendered the lout dead. Though pleased with my result, propriety dictated I call a police officer to dispose of the body. Upon his arrival the official laughed at the site before him, for this I could not blame him. A dead Irishman is a punchline that needs no setup! Unfortunately there was lifting for the good officer to do. Upon engaging in his struggle the officer commented, “This worthless animal weighs tons. I would take more pleasured in carrying a sack full of steel beams.” This statement prompted an engine of activity in my mind. The Irish girth surely owed to their less advanced Cro-Magnon bone structure. My return to the my offices brought with it joy as I ran about exclaiming my plan for our beleaguered subway system. Surely Irish bones were as good as steal and cheaper!

Though most bones were salvaged from morgues and cemeteries – men, women, and children of Irish decent could sell their bones for twelve cents a pound before their death. Signs that once read “Irish Need Not Apply” now read “Irish Only Apply.” This grim practice lasted for only a few months as results were poor. Bones made terrible rails, but some are still in use today throughout the Bronx. City records are unclear as to which specific lines the bones service. Just think New York historians, the next time you take the “N Train” to Coney Island you shall be riding on the backs of the O’Hurleys, the MacDougals, and the Mcgees – Literally!!!

Irish Bones as subway rails.

Barbaric? Assuredly. Efficient? Probably not. History? Definitely!

Victorian Women Used Bees for Sex!

Editor’s Warning:  This post contains rather graphic descriptions of sexual acts.  Younger historians should consult with an adult before clicking to see the entry after the jump.  Tomorrow we shall continue posting (mostly) family friend content. 

George Washington – NOT America’s First President

That’s right, despite what you learned in “school,” the “great” George Washington was not the first President of the United States of America. Think about it for a second. Stumped???  I knew you were, Ha Ha!  Records show Washington served from 1789 to 1797. Americans consider the founding of the nation to be 1776.  Given these facts who do you think led the country? It wasn’t a monkey or something (that wouldn’t happen for years).  Well, quick research reveals we had not one, not two, but fourteen men who were President before Washington! Shocking!  I bet you feel like Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men – “You Can’t Handle the Truth!”  True, these men were merely Presidents of the Continental Congress, but like it or not that in effect made them our leaders.  Here are some quick facts about a few of them:

• Peyton Randolph – A popular figure of the time Peyton stood a remarkable seven foot, three inches.  He was the inspiration for the Paul Bunyan stories.
• Thomas Mifflin- One of the more controversial figures of the time, Mifflin hated the state of Delaware. This antipathy culminated in a dramatic day on the Congressional floor – whenever the representative from Delaware began to speak, Mifflin insisted it was “the wind.”
• Elias Boudinot – Hailing from New Jersey, Elias was perhaps the most jovial of the early presidents. On one occasion he goaded Susan B. Anthony to, “show her Cannonballs.” Apparently he threw kick ass parties.
• John Hancock – Achievements: See Declaration of Independence
• Cyrus Griffin – Perhaps the most evil President until Nixon.  Benjamin Franklin eventually revealed him to be Beelzebub in disguise, then defeated Griffen in a “fiddlin’ contest” to oust him from office.

The Pre-Washington Presidents were quite the motley crew. Though history may have forgotten them, the early presidents paved the way for such other unremembered figures as James Oster, the first lead singer of U2; Steve Allen, the first host of “The Tonight Show”; and Frumpy, the first Muppet.

The Pre-Washington Presidents.

Surprising? Sure. Trivial? Maybe. History? Definitely!!!

Jesse James – America’s first Surfer!!!

Jesse James wore many hats – outlaw, gunfighter, folklore hero, and surfer?!!? That’s right Jesse James, once America’s most wanted , is believed to be the first ever to “hang-ten.” Although born in Missouri, James bandit exploits would lead him to the west coast in the year of 1875.  Allan Pinkerton, the leader of the famed Pinkerton detective agency, had been hired to detain James and doggedly pursued him to the coast of Santa Barbera.  Pinkerton encountered James in small saloon directly across the Madras beach, then sparsely occupied due to the frigid autumn weather.  James immediately ran.  As he scrambled his gun holster caught on the doorknob.  James incredible speed caused the door to be ripped from its hinges, the door then dragging behind James as he ran for his life.  Outside the saloon James found the area swarming with Pinkerton agents.  Having no where else to escape, James darted for the Pacific Ocean with the door still in tow.  Hitting the water James began to panic.  In an act of sheer desperation, James grabbed the wooden door and placed it on the water. He laid prone on it and began to paddle towards oblivion. Wave after wave crashed down on James. The Pinkertons then watched in amazement as James stood erect on the door and began to ride on the waves, hooting and hollering with drunken delight (Although he never said “Cowabunga.”) Eventually the waves brought him back to shore. The Pinkertons surrounded him. But instead of the click of handcuffs, the only sound heard was applause for the greatness seen by all.  Allan Pinkerton himself shook James hand saying, “Tomorrow you are an outlaw, but today you a free man.” The story made headlines across the nation inspiring children to throw old doors in the ocean in hopes of finding similar thrills.  The door surfing trend would eventually die down. In the 1960s surfing from Hawaii would hit mainstream America, but James’s achievement would still stand as a first. The story of an outlaw surfer would even make the silver screen over a hundred years later, you may know it as “Point Break.”

Jesse James – America’s first extreme sports star.

Strange? Yes. Extreme? “Totally” History? Definitely!